Absolution
by SessInSunglasses
Summary: Picks up immediately where the Season 4 finale left off. Short one-shot from Daryl's point of view the night of the group's capture in Terminus, and his thoughts on Beth's time with him.


"They're screwing with the wrong people."

There was an audible breath inside the dark train car as Rick uttered his response to Abraham's question. The remaining prison survivors continued to stare at him and I could feel the hope gatherin' in us. We'd find a way out of this so-called "sanctuary". _Pfft. Sanctuary_. What a fuckin' joke. Joe was right after all.

A moment passed in which Maggie and Glenn sought out us newcomers to this little hell-hole and Maggie hesitantly embraced Rick, murmuring how glad she was that we'd made it out of the prison attack alive. I braced myself when she turned in my direction and I could see in her eyes what was on her mind and it didn't really have much to do with pleasantries. I sighed. Pleaseantries were useless anyways.

"Daryl..." She paused, and I felt the lump in her throat because it was my lump, too. It'd been mine for the past few days and time was doin' nothin' to improve it. I looked up at her under hair that'd seen better days and tried not to cringe.

"Rick said... You were with Beth when... " She faltered, but I waited. For the inevitable 'where is she now'. The question in her eyes was killin' me. I looked at the floor and wished it'd swallow me up, and everythin' I'd been feelin' with it.

"He's right. I was with her. For a long time. But she's gone, Maggie. She was taken from me." My throat hurt to push the words out.

Maggie's face crumpled like I knew it would, and she turned to Glenn for comfort. I envied her her ease with her feelin's. I stuffed my hands in my pockets.

"I followed the car that took her. Ran all night. Didn't count on the crossroad... Car left no tracks. Not knowing which way to go was the only thin' stoppin' me from keepin' on." I didn't want her to know how long I'd sat there and moped like a bratty kid in the middle of the road. Was bad enough I'd lost the only family she had left.

She sniffled and gave me the wateriest damn smile I'd ever seen.

"I know you did everything you could, Daryl. Thank you."

Glenn looked at me distantly over her head but I don't give a shit what he's thinkin' now. Women's forgiveness is funny in that it makes you feel even shittier for failin' than you already do.

Glenn pulled her away and I shuffled over to a vacant corner and slid down the wall til my ass met the floor. Was cold. I barely felt it.

Rick turned to look at me but I don't care. The guilt in me is eatin' me alive and I think back to the night Beth and I burned down the moonshiner's shack and I lay my forehead on my knees and just _remember_.

"You gotta stay who you are. Not who you were. Places like this... You have to put it away."

I'd looked away. "What if you can't?"

She'd shaken her head. "You have to. Or it kills you." She touched her chest. "Here." Her heart.

I'd been quiet a moment, wonderin' if she was always this wise and I'd never noticed or if it was just the moonshine talkin'. Either way a feelin' came over me and I looked at her with an emotion even I couldn't name; I'd never felt anythin' like it before.

"We should go inside."

I watched to see her reaction, but she simply smiled at me and suggested we burn the shithole down. I got up and said, "We're gonna need more booze."

We trashed the joint, flingin' booze all over, and lit up one of the wads of cash I'd lifted from the country club stiffs and I tossed it inside the porch. We stood back and watched the fucker burn til the walkers started showin' up and I led her away, and I remembered the smile on my face. It'd felt good, better than I'd felt in months, to stand next to her and flip off the fire in front of us, like a huge weight'd been lifted from us. I still felt like an asshole for screaming in her face earlier when I'd been drunk, but tellin' her 'bout Merle and my dumbass dad and my guilt about her dad's death had felt real good. And she'd surprised me... Instead of gettin' all up in my face and harpin' me like the bitch I was bein' she'd hugged me. Held me up. A slip of a girl, holdin' _me_... It'd changed everythin'. I'd cried in front of her and she never mocked me. I hated it, the cryin'... But I hated it when she cried more.

I wondered when she'd gone and grown up on me.

"Daryl?"

I looked up from my memory and saw Rick sittin' next to me. His half-hearted smile said more than words: _This really fuckin' sucks_.

I try to smile back but can't make myself do more'n wince. He pats my knee.

"I'm sorry," He whispers.

I look at him. "For what?"

"For killin' your friend." He looks at his hands and I know he's rememberin' rippin' Joe's throat out. "I never apologised. I caused your beatin'. I'm sorry, Daryl." His eyes are haunted.

I shake my head. "We already discussed this. I know why you did what you did. Anybody'd done the same. I knew they was assholes, Rick. Goin' after Carl like that... And threatenin' our _family_... I 'spected no less." I lowered my head. "That's why I offered myself up to him. I was just glad to see you guys alive... I know where my loyalties lie."

Rick smiled. A hand on my other knee and I saw Michonne on my other side, a sad but grateful smile on her face. Carl sniffed across from us, and I was suddenly glad Beth'd not been with me when Joe and his crew'd found me that mornin'. I could only imagine what they would've wanted to do with her... I shuddered. I couldn't've saved her from them. The knowledge burned in my chest like a brandin' iron.

"It's getting late." Michonne nudged me, but looked at Rick. "We should get some sleep."

There was a murmur of agreement from everyone, and I realised they'd all gathered close to listen to the conversation. Rick nodded. "I'll take first watch."

I shook my head. "No. I'll watch." Lower, I muttered, "Got a lot to think about."

Rick nodded again, and motioning to Carl to sit next to him, gathered his boy to him and laid down. Everyone else followed suit.

I leaned back against the wall and stared at the ceiling in the darkness. Beth's face swam before my eyes again as I listened to everyone's breathin' even out. I thought about the way the candlelight'd thrown her face into shadows the night she played the piano and sang to me. The look on her face when she realised that she was the one what made me change my mind 'bout good people, even though I'd stubbornly refused to say the words. The way her kindness had made me suggest that we should stick around that old funeral home for a while, even if it made us suspicious, 'cause things was goin' so good 'tween us... Like we was meant to be a team. I'd realised that night that Merle'd been wrong; he weren't the only one who gave a shit about me. Beth gave a shit. So did more'n half the people stuck with me in this shithole traincar. Carol. Andrea. Dale. They'd all cared.

I sniffed. I thought of Joe tellin' me that there was nothin' sadder than an outdoor cat what thought it was an indoor cat, and I smiled to myself. Maybe Joe'd always been an outdoor cat; and maybe, for a long time, I was too. But I wasn't no damn outdoor cat no more. I was an indoor cat, had been since the farm, and that was a fact. I didn't need Carol or Beth or anyone else to tell me I was good enough. I already knew. I knew it like I knew we'd find our way outta this mess, like I knew we'd find Beth again, like I knew we'd carry on, no matter what sick shit these pricks had planned for us.

I felt a laugh start to crawl up from my belly. Rick was right.

These assholes _were_ screwing with the wrong people.


End file.
